Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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