So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
