How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
