I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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