it's too hot outside to masturbate.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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