I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
