Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
