the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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