I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
