my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
