Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
