i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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