shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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