I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
