Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
4 words: hood of his car
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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