How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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