After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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