Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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