this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
