Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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