I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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