I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
