I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter†so needless to say we had a good night
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