We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
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Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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