just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
