I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
