We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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