I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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