Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
