I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
