oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
