Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
