I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
is wine microwaveable?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
