He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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