The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
