She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
