I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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