So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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