I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
