I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
These tits shall not be calmed
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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