and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
