I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
