well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
