I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
