i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
