dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
