I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
