I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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