He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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