Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
