How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
