dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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