my shit smells like andre
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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