can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
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I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
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the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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