You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Four minutes until I can fart!
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
