My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
