Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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