I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
