I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
