Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
